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Trump’s Super-Top-Secret Deal
President Trump bragged on Tuesday about the secret deal he claimed to have made with Mexico (which Mexico’s foreign minister has denied). As proof, Trump waved a piece of paper in front of TV cameras, saying it contained part of the agreement he had yet to reveal. The late-night hosts took their best guesses about it.
“We actually found out what was on that paper. Yeah, here at ‘The Tonight Show’ we find out those types of things. It says, ‘Do you want to make an agreement? Sí or no.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“[Imitating Trump] ‘Look, look, if I don’t have a secret agreement with Mexico, then how do I have this piece of paper right here? How I do have a piece of paper that I will not read to you, O.K.? O.K.? Here’s Middle East peace right here. It smells so fantastic. Yes, peace right there. There we go. All right. O.K., we’ve got the Mexico deal, we’ve got Middle East peace, and hold on, the Colonel’s secret recipe right here: seven herbs and spices.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Stephen Colbert noted that The Washington Post had captured an image of the paper and found no evidence of new information on it.
“Once again, Trump is foiled by his archnemeses: sunlight and reading.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Trump and Biden Take the Midwest
Trump and Joe Biden were both campaigning in Iowa on Tuesday, which Colbert said was “either because it’s the first primary state or because Kevin Costner needed more old guys to walk out of the cornfield.”
“Usually when two guys over 70 go on the same trip, it’s a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.” — JIMMY FALLON
“I don’t know, seeing Joe just isn’t the same without Obama there. It’s like going to a concert to see Oates.” — SETH MEYERS
An early transcript of Biden’s speech had the former vice president scolding Trump for making his presidency all about himself.
“Biden’s right: It’s not about Donald, which is why Biden in his speech talked about Trump only 76 times. The only person talking about Donald Trump more than Joe Biden is Donald Trump — and me.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Trump vs. Biden Edition)
“President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint Joe Biden as feeble. That’s what they’re gonna try and do. And Biden’s strategy is to try and portray President Trump as President Trump. So, parallel strategy.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“President Trump today attacked former Vice President Joe Biden, saying, ‘I like running against people who are weak mentally.’ ‘It’s harder than you think,’ said Hillary.” — SETH MEYERS
“Biden’s the dummy? May I point out, only one of you is sitting on Putin’s lap with his hand up your butt.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
The MSNBC host Rachel Maddow talked with Seth Meyers about the possibility of Trump’s getting impeached and her forthcoming book, “Blow Out,” about the oil and gas industry.